Humor | few jokes

A guy visiting Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horribly sunburned, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and being in severe pain, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'


I took the wife to a dance last weekend and there was this guy giving it all he had on the dance floor.

The wife said "See him, he proposed to me 20 years ago but I turned him down" I said, " He looks like he’s still celebrating"


A man goes to confession after a 16 year absence.

As he sits in the booth, he looks around and says to the priest, "Confessions have really changed father. I don't remember a leather chair, Guinness on tap and gay porn mags being in the booth before ?"

The priest replied, "That's because you’re in my seat"


My wife just said to me, "Look at this. I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me".

I said, " It's a scarf".


My wife has just left me as she says that I'm obsessed with football.

I'm absolutely gutted - we've been together for 5 seasons.


A bloke walks into a bar in NEW ZEALAND and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What the heck is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."


A sexy bird looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, " Is that Carlsberg or Fosters"?

I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it and see".


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try"

After about 30 secs of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on" she demanded, "What day was I born"?

I said, "yesterday".


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.

I said to her "Nice legs".

The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".


"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

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