Humor | few jokes

A guy visiting Hawaii fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horribly sunburned, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and being in severe pain, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor’?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.'


I took the wife to a dance last weekend and there was this guy giving it all he had on the dance floor.

The wife said "See him, he proposed to me 20 years ago but I turned him down" I said, " He looks like he’s still celebrating"


A man goes to confession after a 16 year absence.

As he sits in the booth, he looks around and says to the priest, "Confessions have really changed father. I don't remember a leather chair, Guinness on tap and gay porn mags being in the booth before ?"

The priest replied, "That's because you’re in my seat"


My wife just said to me, "Look at this. I've had this since we got married 20 years ago and it still fits me".

I said, " It's a scarf".


My wife has just left me as she says that I'm obsessed with football.

I'm absolutely gutted - we've been together for 5 seasons.


A bloke walks into a bar in NEW ZEALAND and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What the heck is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."


A sexy bird looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, " Is that Carlsberg or Fosters"?

I said, " There's a tap underneath, taste it and see".


I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling their breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try"

After about 30 secs of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on" she demanded, "What day was I born"?

I said, "yesterday".


I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few kilos, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look alright."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."


I went to the pub last night and saw a fat bird dancing on a table.

I said to her "Nice legs".

The girl giggled and said with a smile "Do you really think so ".

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now".


"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church.

A horrific thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

US Supreme Court Rules Government Officers Liable

Now this is progress. Who is first?

private person
12 May 2014

One of the legal fantasies promoted by governments and officials is the idea of ‘sovereign immunity’… where they are not liable for their corrupt and illegal actions.

Unfortunately this lie of ‘sovereign immunity’ is also repeated unknowingly by people who have a real case against government officials and therefore do not pursue very valid claims.

A recent US Supreme Court decision clarified and confirmed that the government and their agents can be held liable and accountable for wrongdoing carried out by officials in its employment while on the job.

This should be a a no brainer but in the land of legal fictions and unaccountable government officials being protected by legal process…someone FINALLY took the issue to the US Supreme Court for a common sense confirmation which lower level courts are now bound by.

This is a fundamental principle of law that nobody is above the law including all government actors. The government immunity clause only applies to government actors when they are performing their actions of their office defined by their office in good faith.

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Interview: Russia sees expansion of ties with China undoubted diplomatic priority: Putin

Read this as the end of Anglo American Asia control.

19 May 2014

MOSCOW -- Russian President Vladimir Putin has said his country's cooperation with China has reached its all-time best and that the two sides were ready to expand ties in numerous spheres.

"China is our reliable friend. To expand cooperation with China is undoubtedly Russia's diplomatic priority," Putin told Chinese reporters before attending the Conference on Interaction and Confidence-Building Measures in Asia (CICA) slated for Tuesday and Wednesday in Shanghai.

Putin, who will also pay a state visit to China on the sidelines of the summit, said he and Chinese President Xi Jinping will review the implementation of already-signed agreements, and hammer out future objectives.

"I believe the upcoming talks will inject strong impetus to various bilateral cooperation projects, as well as to the deepening of coordination between the two countries in the international arena," he said.

Putin pointed out that at the present stage the two countries should give priority to enhancing cooperation in economy, science and high technology.

Against the backdrop of global economic turbulence, it was of crucial significance for the two countries to strengthen mutually beneficial economic and trade relations and boost mutual investment, he said.

China is currently Russia's largest trading partner, with the trade volume between the two countries nearing 90 billion U.S. dollars in 2013. The two countries aim to raise the trade volume to 100 billion dollars in 2015 and to 200 billion dollars in 2020.

On energy cooperation, Putin said preparation for agreements concerning Russia's natural gas export to China has entered the final phase.

"For Russia, implementing these agreements means diversifying gas supply destinations, while for our Chinese partners ... it could be a remedy for energy shortage and helps ecological security," he said.

Moscow and Beijing have also been cooperating closely to reduce trade reliance on the external market, Putin said, adding the two sides were now implementing 40 major projects worth 20 billion dollars.

In addition, he said, Russia and China were working on ways to expand settlement in local currencies in a bid to protect bilateral trade from exchange fluctuations of major foreign currencies.

On the cooperation in Russia's Far East, Putin voiced hope that Chinese enterprises take the lead in investing in that vast region, which will give specified preferential policies to investors.

Humanitarian cooperation between Russia and China, he said, has been progressing in the right direction, and the bilateral National Years, Language Years, Tourism Years as well as the ongoing Youth Years have substantially contributed to the unprecedented bilateral ties.

"The young generation of the two countries have become increasingly interested in each other's history, culture and customs," Putin said. "That's an objective process, and we will give full support to such process."

The Russian president said the two countries planned to boost investment cooperation as the scale of bilateral investment cooperation was obviously inconsistent with the two sides' real capabilities and demands.

"We are more than clear that the two countries have more potentials to tap and more room to improve," he said, adding that they boasted plentiful promising areas, such as machinery manufacturing, agricultural product processing, mining and transportation and energy infrastructure.

Speaking of 2015 when Russia and China will jointly celebrate the 70th anniversary of the defeat of the Nazis, Putin said that the two countries are unanimous in opposing attempts to distort the World War II record.

Those attempts are unacceptable and the consequence is hazardous, he said.

"Next year, we will organize a series of events to jointly celebrate the 70th anniversary of victory in both bilateral form and within the framework of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization, " he said, adding the two sides would focus on engaging the young people into the activities.

Russia and China, Putin noted, have also been actively advocating the creation of a new security and sustainable development framework in the Asia-Pacific region, which is based on such principles as equality, abiding by international laws, non- use or non-threatening use of violence.

"Nowadays, that issue has become increasingly urgent," he said, adding the forthcoming summit of the CICA, an efficient cooperation mechanism, will facilitate its resolution.

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The Nazi Danger | a letter from Odessa

This is a poignant letter of the ironies of truth which the media fails to declare. Who shall speak its name?

War Is A Crime
By T., a teacher from Odessa
Submitted by Bruce Gagnon

I have lived in Odessa since my early childhood and adore this sunny south city with its hospitable and witty people. Odessa is a multinational city which is reflected in the names of its streets: French and Italian Boulevards, Greek and Bulgarian Streets, Moldavian district, etc. Odessa was built according to a decree issued by the Russian empress Catherine the Great over 200 years ago as a Russian port city on the Black Sea. And it was constructed by French and Italian architects and engineers invited by Catherine. That is why it is said to resemble Paris …

During the Soviet period Odessa was a part of the Ukrainian SSR – one of the 15 republics comprising the USSR at the time, though it was Russian, both by its population and the language it spoke. But it was not of principal importance for the numerous nations and nationalities living there, as all of them had equal rights and comprised one and the same Soviet people. When I studied at school there were Russians, Ukrainians, Jews and Bulgarians in my class, and it didn’t matter – we were the citizens of one and the same country.

After the USSR collapsed, the Ukrainian Republic became Ukraine and started building its own independent state seeking to prove its self-sufficiency and ability to become a powerful and prosperous state. But it failed. Instead the state succeeded in splitting and embroiling the two people inhabiting it – Ukrainians and Russians. Being a teacher I can definitely state that in 23 years of independence there appeared a generation of young people brought up in a Russophobic spirit. It was made possible due to the anti-Russian policy of the state which tried to shift the discontent of its citizens from itself onto its external neighbour-state – Russia (the so-called “younger-brother syndrome”). But to make hatred to one’s fraternal people a country’s national idea is, to my mind, absurd and a crime against its own people.

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The Kiev Sniper Probe: Coup Leaders Behind February 20 Maidan Sniper Killings of Civilians and Police

20 more die, the Agencies lie.

They pay to kill and fund more, who is the whore?

Truth slowly leaks out, assuming anyone still cares.

Global Research
By Adam Larson
18 May 2014

After using the murky sniper massacre of February 20 to depose and demonize elected Ukrainian President, Viktor Yanukovych, the Kiev Cabal continues to investigate the shootings, and just how Yanukovych destroyed himself with them.

RT reported on a fascinating and little-noted May 13 press conference announcing the preliminary results of parliament’s official investigation. This was called by the probe’s chairman, Gennady Moskal, an MP with Yulia Tymoshenko’s Fatherland party. The findings Moskal announced are remarkable in several ways. [1]

In early March, 12 officers of the Interior Ministry’s special “Berkut” police force – a supposed “black unit” of it – had already been arrested over the massacre, with reports their denials had triggered lie detectors. But now Moskal reveals, as RT reports:

“[F]orensic evidence suggests their innocence. … the bullets that killed people in Kiev … didn’t match any of the firearms issued to Berkut’s special unit, which, unlike the majority of riot police, was allowed to carry lethal weapons.”

If this latest update is true, all the photos of Berkut men with the yellow armbands brandishing assault weapons are proven irrelevant to the crimes they were taken as proof of. The arrests, various death threats and abuses against them and even their families, and the complete dissolution of the Berkut in March, would have been grossly unjustified.

More interesting yet, as RT reports:

“[Moskal] alleged that the shooters were agents of the Ukrainian Security Service (SBU) acting from the ranks of the protesters, but admitted that genuine protesters could have been the culprits.”

Isn’t this what Moscow and the “conspiracy theorists” have been proposing from day one?

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